


Richie Tozier Sweats Through His Shirt While Eating Hot Wings | Hot Ones

by DeadAndDying



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Interviews, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Richie Tozier goes on Hot Ones, hot ones, where's waldo but you have to find the word husband
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:34:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23254045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadAndDying/pseuds/DeadAndDying
Summary: [Richie bites into the wing seemingly unbothered]Richie:Hey, this one isn’t too bad. The flavor is really good.Sean:That might be the last time you say that, so enjoy it.or if no one else is going to write Richie Tozier on Hot Ones...
Comments: 22
Kudos: 203





	Richie Tozier Sweats Through His Shirt While Eating Hot Wings | Hot Ones

**[Modified transcript of _First We Feast |_** _**Hot** _ **_Ones Interview with Richie Tozier_ recorded January 26th 2020]**

**Richie:** _[looking into his camera]_ If I cry, or throw up you can’t judge me _[snort]_.

**[Cut to Hot Ones opening montage]**

**Sean:** Hey, what’s going on everybody? For First We Feast I’m Sean Evans, and you’re watching Hot Ones. It’s the show of hot questions and even hotter wings. We’re joined today by Richie Tozier. He’s a comedian you probably know best from his Netflix stand-up specials and being invited to every Comedy Central Roast since 2008. You can catch him live this Fall on his **_“Mid-Life Crisis But Make It Sexy”_ ** Tour visit **trashmouthtozier.com** for more information. Welcome, Richie.

_[Richie’s face splits into a wide grin as he looks into his camera]_

**Richie:** Thanks, man. My friend Bill is super jealous. 

**Sean:** Bill Denbrough?

 **Richie:** You’re gonna make me name drop like an a**hole? _[laughs]_ Best buds since childhood. He’s jealous about the wings. I told him he can just buy the sauce.

 **Sean:** Speaking of, how do you handle your heat, Richie?

 **Richie:** If hot sauce exists on the table, I’m already sweating. You can only imagine how I’m doing, right now. 

**Sean:** _[laughs]_

_[Richie picks up the first wing and takes a giant bite]_

**Richie:** I already hate this. Thank you, Sean.

**[Cut to** **_The Classic Hot Sauce_ ** **at Scoville Level 1,600]**

**Richie:** Do the kids still say ‘cut the cameras deadass’? That’s how I’m feeling. 

**Sean:** Obviously, we have to take a wing to discuss your career as Trashmouth Tozier. You’ve been doing stand-up since you were a freshman in college. A solid career spanning decades that has spiked once more over the last 2 years. Are you familiar with your place as a cultural staple on the internet? Memes and all. 

**Richie:** I can barely remember how to turn off the auto caps lock on my phone on a good day, man. Thankfully, I have my assistant _[Richie points to indicate to someone off screen]_ , Adrian, who never fails to remind me that I am perceived by people online. He either filters out all the mean sh*t, or the internet has gotten nicer. I’m grateful I’m received with such kindness after being a dick for the first 22 years of my career. 

_[stifled laugh heard off screen]_

**Sean:** So where would you say that _[hands doing a quoting motion]_ Trashmouth Tozier ends and Richie Tozier begins? 

**Richie:** That is kind of a loaded question. _[looking directly into his camera]_ Kids, don’t pay for therapy just get famous and get on Hot Ones. _[laughs]_ I’m kidding. Please reach out to people.

 **Sean:** _[laughs]_

 **Richie:** Uh. _[Richie pauses to tuck some loose hair behind his ear]_ I’d say Trashmouth officially ends at age 40 and Richie begins at age 41, but that’s an answer with a lot to unpack. To simplify, Trashmouth is who I am onstage. Somehow more obnoxious than I am in real life, but my friends and my husband still show up at every kickoff show. 

**[Cut to shot of** **_Cantina Royal | Tamaulipeea Hot Sauce_ ** **at Scoville Level 4,200]**

_[Richie bites into the wing seemingly unbothered]_

**Richie:** Hey, this one isn’t too bad. The flavor is really good.

 **Sean:** That might be the last time you say that, so enjoy it. 

**Richie:** This is easy peasy lemon squeezy. Hit me with the next question. 

**Sean:** You graduated with a degree in Political Science from University of Illinois at Chicago. Did that help develop what you call “political corner” in your sets? 

**Richie:** You cannot let people know I’m smart, Sean. _[Richie wipes at his brow]_ Can’t tell if it’s the sauce sneaking up on me, or people finding out I’m not a smooth brain. 

**Sean:** _[laughs]_

 **Richie:** It helps to a point. Obviously, I have to actively read up on it to even put it in a set. Depending on the day and how big of a sh*tshow it is, I have to cut the bit if I can’t rework it before curtain. 

**Sean:** Do you often cut out bits before shows?

 **Richie:** No, but I just try to be more aware these days. Humor isn’t funny if it hurts other people.

 **Sean:** That’s something to be respected.

 **Richie:** I just try my best, man. 

**[Cut to shot of** **_Pirate’s Lantern | Pepper Sauce_ ** **at Scoville Level 7,500]**

_[Richie takes a bite of the wing. His face reflects his discomfort.]_

**Richie:** Go to f*cking hell, Sean. 

**Sean:** _[laughs]_

_[Richie reaches for the milk before taking a giant gulp. Some milk dribbles down his chin.]_

**Richie:** My mouth is on fire and I look like a slob. 

**Sean:** Welcome to Hot Ones. _[laughs]_

 **Richie:** You’re too composed. I feel like you’re doing some sleight of hand where you switch out the bottles while I’m dying on the other side of the table. 

**Sean:** _[laughs]_ So we’ve had both Seth Meyers and Will Ferrell on the show. I asked them both a similar question regarding improv in Chicago. As someone who was based in Chicago for the first 10 years of your career, would say live shows are still the way to go? Or do you think the internet has provided a good enough path for growth?

 **Richie:** What did I just say about auto caps lock? _[laughs]_ That’s a fantastic question. I’m biased and old school. Live performance fuels me, man. But if you’ve got the chops, you’ve got them. My best advice is to learn to write for yourself. That’s one of the pieces of advice that would’ve really helped me as a kid. 

**[Cut to shot of** **_Torchbearer Sauces | Headless Horseradish Sauce_ ** **at Scoville Level 51,000]**

_[Richie’s nose scrunches up. He proceeds to take a bite.]_

**Richie:** Just the smell of it hurt. Oh f*ck. 

_[Richie fists a glass of milk in his right hand and a glass of water in his left. Ringing effect plays over this shot.]_

**Richie:** Do they call it ghost pepper, because it does a jump scare on your senses? _[Richie takes a swig of his water. Voice muffled due to the ice cubes he’s left on his tongue]_ You’ve made me into the most unfunny person I know through one wing and it’s not even the last one. 

**Sean:** _[laughs]_ We have a current segment on our show called Explain That Gram. We do a deep dive on our guests Instagram and pull up interesting pictures that need more context. We’ll just pop them up on the monitor _[motions off screen]_ here. All you do is just tell us the bigger story. This first one looks like you’re being shoved off a boat by fashion designer, Beverly Marsh, while someone’s grabbing her at the waist.

 **Richie:** _[licking his fingers]_ Yeah, that’s correct. 

**Sean:** Do you remember this? 

**Richie:** Incredibly well. Bev and I rib each other like siblings. She gave me 3 strikes before she’d shove me off her lovely fiancés yacht, and to no one's surprise I’d run out of them. Grabbing her around the waist is my best friend, Stan. I send him an edible arrangement after every group retreat, because he has to play babysitter. He’s been doing it since we were kids, so he’s great at his job. My husband, Eddie, captured the shot.

 **Sean:** Have you all been friends long?

 **Richie:** Since we were kids. We kind of lost touch for a while, but it’s been good to find each other again. _[Richie looks into his camera]_ Sending my love to everyone except Bill. You don’t deserve it for exhibiting envy. 

**[Cut to shot of** **_Adoboloco | Fiya! Fiya! Hot Sauce_ ** **at Scoville Level 63,000]**

_[Richie takes bite of the next wing as a ringing effect plays over the shot]_

**Richie:** I don’t feel so good, Mr. Evans.

 **Sean:** _[laughs]_ So as a comedian, you’ve tried your hand at acting.

 **Richie:** Don’t do this to me, man.

 **Sean:** We’re unfortunately not playing Truth or Dab, or I’d have you list your acting roles from best to worst. But I wanna talk about your voice roles.

 **Richie:** That is not what I expected you to come out with. _[Richie wipes his brow with a napkin]_ This wing is f*cking me up. 

**Sean:** Of your voice roles, which was your favorite? What’s the one people are always surprised by?

 **Richie:** My favorite is BB-8, because I can win any argument with my friends about the state of my success through that one. Plus, we all grew up with Star Wars. Dreams come true. People are always surprised that I’m The Voice in Scott Pilgrim. _[laughs]_ I think it sounds just like me, but my husband says he would’ve never married me if I talked like that. 

**Sean:** _[laughs]_

**[Cut to shot of** **_Seed Ranch | Hot Thai Green Hot Sauce_ ** **at Scoville Level 74,000]**

_[Richie takes a bite of the sixth wing. His stare goes blank.]_

**Richie:** I keep thinking it can’t get worse, but it does. _[Richie removes his glasses and sets them on the table. Fingers reach up to wipe at a stray tear]_

 **Sean:** No, no, no! Don’t do that.

 **Richie:** _[looks down at his fingers]_ Sh*t. Good catch _[laughs]_

 **Sean:** So we’ve had your good friend, Paul Rudd, on the show. I asked him a similar question. 

**Richie:** _[Adjusting his glasses]_ Don’t flatter me. He’s my husband's good friend. My friend Mike won’t let me forget it. 

**Sean:** _[laughs]_ As the host of Hot Ones, I always make my best attempt to ask questions that break the monotony of press tours. 

**Richie:** Sorry, sorry. I know you’re getting to the question, but I’m f*cking chugging milk over here without having taken a Lactaid. You’re also breaking my body. 

**Sean:** _[laughs]_ As someone who has been dealing with press for the better part of 22 years, how do you handle presenting the same slice of life over and over during a single press tour? 

**Richie:** You speak so good. I am literally dying here, man. _[Richie pushes the damp hair sticking to his forehead back]_ That is such a great question, Sean. If you weren’t killing me with the hot sauce, I’d go off camera and ask my husband if it’s okay that I’m in love with you. 

_[multiple laughs both on screen and off]_

**Richie:** Honestly, this is the most refreshing interview I’ve had in years. I’m not just saying that cause of the constant milk and water refills. _[laughs]_ It’s hard making that effort to be digestible in such a short period of time. Answering the same question over and over is both a blessing and a curse. I don’t have to think about it too much, but it’s not always the most exciting time. I’ve probably exaggerated a story, or two throughout the years just to spice things up. 

**[Cut to shot of Bunsters | Black Label Hot Sauce at Scoville level 99,000]**

_[Richie takes a bite of the next wing. His eyes look impossibly wide.]_

**Richie:** I feel like someone lit a fire in my throat. Be honest with me, Sean...am I gonna die?

 **Sean:** No, but you’ll feel like you are. 

**Richie:** Oh, good. That’s very comforting. 

**Sean:** _[laughs]_ So there’s a very popular video of you that made the rounds last year.

 **Richie:** Oh no.

 **Sean:** We’re pulling it up on the monitor, now. It looks like you’re surrounded by cats while sobbing.

 **Richie:** This is like the Instagram bit, but worse. Yeah, my loving husband booked out a cat cafe for my birthday. I didn’t know. He blindfolded me the whole way there. It’s not as sexy as it sounds _[laughs]_ I heard the first meow and started crying. To be fair, I was feeling extra fragile facing the concept of my own mortality and the passage of time. The video is from seconds after he told me that if I liked one of the little guys, we could see if it was up for adoption. 

**Sean:** That’s so sweet. 

**Richie:** I know you wanna laugh, Sean. _[Pointing off_ screen] My crying face is horrendous. But we have a lovely baby at home named, General Obi-Wan Kenobi. 

**[Cuts to shot of Da’ Bomb | Beyond Insanity Hot Sauce at Scoville Level 135,600]**

_[Richie takes a giant bite of the next wing]_

**Richie:** Is that a nuke on the bottle? Oh sh*t. F*ck. F*ck. 

_[Richie chugs the whole glass of milk followed by a glass of water]_

**Richie:** That one hit. I don’t like that. Don’t like it. _[Fanning himself]_ Is it hot in here, or is it just me? I bet my pit stains are really bad. I feel awful. Hold on. _[Chugs second glass of milk]_

_[Ringing sound plays over the shot]_

**Sean:** _[laughs]_

 **Richie:** Have you asked a question yet? I feel like I’m gonna pass out. 

**Sean:** I haven’t. 

**Richie:** I only have so much time left, so you have to ask. 

**Sean:** You’ve often joked about writing a book, and plenty of comedians before you have done so. Would it be an autobiography? 

**Richie:** I would write a whole book about how this is the worst experience of my life. Titled, **_Richie Tozier: I Don’t Have Taste Buds._ **

**Sean:** Ready to move on, Richie?

 **Richie:** There’s more?

**[Cut to shot of Burn After Eating at Scoville Level 669,000]**

_[Richie takes a bite of the next wing. He winces as he swallows.]_

**Richie:** Uh... _[pushes sweaty hair back]_ I feel like my soul has left my body. _[Wipes at forehead with napkin]_ Jesus.

_[Richie abruptly stands up. The only visible parts of him are his chest down to his calves.]_

**Sean:** You doing alright? 

**Richie:** Just give me a second. I just need to think. 

_[Richie folds in on himself. His hands rest on his thighs and his hair comes down to cover his profile]_

**Richie:** _[out of breath]_ Just a second. 

_[Richie stands at full height face out of frame. His hands work at unbuttoning and untucking his shirt revealing his white undershirt covered slightly in sweat]_

**Richie:** _[taking a seat]_ Okay. I think I’m good. 

**Sean:** On a recent podcast, you mentioned that you are unable to watch tv or movies, because you’re unable to focus. As someone constantly invited to red carpet premieres, how do you manage that?

 **Richie:** Often, I decline. If I do go, it’s because someone who is my friend personally reached out. It works out, because my husbands a homebody. We don’t know anything about pop culture unless Adrian thinks it’s funny, or interesting enough to show us. Kid keeps us young. 

**[Cut to shot of Hot Ones The Last Dab XXX at Scoville level 2,000,000+]**

**Richie:** So we just combine all of these at one time? 

**Sean:** Yeah.

 **Richie:** Do you dump it right on the chicken, or make a puddle?

 **Sean:** I got with puddle, but it’s up to you. 

**Richie:** Puddle sounds smart. You’re smart. I’m dumb, so I’ll follow your lead. 

**Sean:** _[laughs]_

 **Richie:** I’m concocting my own death potion. 

**Sean:** Definitely feels like it. 

**Richie:** _[lifting his wing towards Sean]_ Cheers!

_[Richie takes bite of final wing]_

**Richie:** Sean, I don’t want to hate you. _[wiping brow with napkin]_ I don’t want to hate you. 

_[Richie nods and drums his fingers against his thighs as a ringing sound plays over the shot]_

**Richie:** _[lifting glass of milk to his mouth]_ I’m just gonna…

 **Sean:** So, Richie. We’ve made it to the top of spice mountain. You’ve survived. We’ve talked about your career, your life, and watched a video of you crying over cats. [Richie is laughing as he pats down his sweaty forehead] You have been an absolute champion. 

**Richie:** I definitely feel like a loser, right now. 

**Sean:** The last thing to do is roll out the red carpet. This camera, this camera, this camera! Let the people know what you’ve got going on in your life. 

_[Richie's mouth is red with irritation. He looks closer to tears, but he smiles directly into the camera]_

**Richie:** A long road to recovery after this interview. If you enjoyed seeing me like this, you’ll love my tour. Come see me in your city. Also, Bill Denbrough, you suck. 

**[First We Feast logo appears with audio of clapping and Richie thanking Sean for having him]**

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I was flipping back and forth between 10 different episodes of Hot Ones for 3 hours. You can reach me on Twitter @spagheddieman


End file.
